As moms, we have so many things we’re juggling, and we sometimes feel guilty if we think we aren’t prioritizing correctly.
Getting fast food a few nights a week? We might think we’re not prioritizing health.
Letting the kids have screen time? We might feel like we’re doing them an injustice by not insisting they go outside to play.
Not implementing a strict nap routine for the toddler? We might worry that we’re negatively impacting their future sleep.
But what if we look at things closer?
I feel like the source of our guilt comes from roughly two places: our true beliefs and principles, and others’ beliefs and principles. Whether “others” means society, our mom, our friends, whoever – their beliefs do not necessarily match our own, yet we carry them around like internal voices that guide our emotions, if not our behavior.
Fast-food
Let’s use one of the examples above; there have been seasons in my life that made meal planning extremely challenging, but I was ROCKING all the other things going on. I needed to look closely and decide if the fast-food guilt was coming from me or them. Was it bothering me due to my personal feelings on the matter OR was I feeling guilty because of things that I’d picked up on from others?
Once I established whether it was coming from ME or THEM, I could take action.
- If I truly wanted to eat differently, I could look for ways to do so. Maybe sign up for meal kits, or batch cook once a week and freeze meals. Look for convenient, healthier options.
- But if, after soul searching, I discovered that I was perfectly fine with having fast-food for the time being, then I didn’t need to stop until it made sense to.
The great news was that both of these options could remove guilt because I was taking action and being intentional!
Screen time
We use screens in everyday life now, but it can feel like too much at times, especially for kids. And we hear about it all the time; from pediatrician’s recommendations to mommy groups swapping methods, the topic comes up regularly. But what is MY situation, and how am I using screens with my kids?
- Are they watching brain rot or mindless stuff and I want to reduce/eliminate it? Or maybe my child is drawn to educational apps, and the amount of time they spend online is actually beneficial for them.
My daughter, Elizabeth, is autistic and when she was younger and not talking, I let her use a tablet a lot. I felt an incredible amount of guilt for it because I never would have done that with my other kids. But when I realized that the way and reason we were using the screentime with her was appropriate and in line with my values, it no longer bothered me. She watched music videos for kids, helping her to learn from other children, and she watched role playing videos (think Vlad and Niki/Diana and Roma here). In addition, the screentime helped her calm down and reset when she needed to. She still loves using screens, but now, at the age of nine, she doesn’t need or use them the way she did.
You might also like My beautiful daughter with PDD-NOS at the age of nine
Now, in the above example, for one of my other kids, perhaps I decide to reduce/eliminate the screen anyway even if what they’re doing is educational because I find another way to provide this that is a better fit for us.
- Are they spending time in front of a screen and I’m uncomfortable with it because I want them to be spending time outside or doing other activities? Or am I counting the hours and feeling like it’s “bad” because others say they should only spend X amount of time per day online?
In this example, one is warranted, the other is not because it doesn’t reflect my principles.
Like so many things in life, positive parenting takes having the right mindset. We can easily begin feeling guilt and shame if we compare ourselves and/or listen to the constantly present voice of others.
Now, of course, maybe I decide to research WHY others are saying kids should only spend X amount of time per day online. I may find that their point is valid and it becomes something I base that parenting decision on. Or maybe I don’t and I leave things the way they are.
Naptime
All children are different; their wants and needs don’t look like everyone else’s. If you read parenting books or speak with others about baby/toddler sleep habits, you will be given an array of advice that may or may not work for your child. You have to find what works for you and your family.
When my son, Samuel, was two and three years old, he was bouncy and active in the morning and then definitely needed sleep in the afternoon, but he fought naptime. Instead of stressing over the perfect routine, I found what worked for us. Turns out, he liked sitting on the couch with me and watching travel shows (Rick Steve’s in Europe, haha) until falling asleep. He’d be there for thirty to forty-five minutes and then I’d wake him up to preserve bedtime. It worked beautifully for us, but it could have certainly caused mommy guilt if I hadn’t looked at it the right way.
If you have mommy guilt, it probably means that you are thinking about and focusing on how you’re raising your child and that alone makes you a great fit for your child!
I hope you have a great day!
Together in Atlanta 